


Banned From Argo

by captain_starcat



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: (mostly), Crack, Gen, Work In Progress, gen-ish, oh god these just keep getting longer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2010-09-14
Updated: 2014-12-07
Packaged: 2017-10-11 19:43:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/116228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captain_starcat/pseuds/captain_starcat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>And we're banned from Argo, everyone.</i><br/>Banned from Argo, just for having a little fun.<br/>We spent a jolly shore leave there for just three days or four,<br/>But Argo doesn't want us any more.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>(Across timelines, some things don't change.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Gang of Pirates Landed and Nobody Seemed to Care

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the classic filk song [Banned From Argo](http://www.kayshapero.net/FishSongs/Banned%20From%20Argo.mp3) by Leslie Fish (link goes to mp3, lyrics [here](http://www.ovff.org/pegasus/songs/banned-from-argo.html)), but with eye toward Reboot!verse.
> 
> If you've never heard the song you may want to give it a listen to help follow this (not strictly necessary but it's a hell of a song and honestly idk why you wouldn't want to)
> 
> [NOTE: this fic is constantly evolving - in other words, it's defined by long periods of inactivity punctuated by rapid and occasionally dramatic changes.]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "A gang of pirates landed, and nobody seemed to care.  
> They stamped into the nearest bar to announce that they were there.  
> Half our crew was busy there, and invited them to play,  
> But the pirates only looked at us, and turned and ran away."
> 
> [[Full lyrics]](http://www.ovff.org/pegasus/songs/banned-from-argo.html)

"Hey!" Kirk yells across the crowded end of the bar at the figure sliding onto the empty stool three seats down. “I know you! You're that space pirate captain we found! We totally partied, like, a year ago!” He looks at Spock for confirmation.

Spock is starting to feel a little funny and wonders if the alcohol might actually be affecting him already? (Answer: no, he has already been drugged with something green.) He is too busy staring intently at the wall to help Kirk out.

A small and motley crowd, obviously the rest of the pirate crew, starts edging back out the door at Kirk's greeting.

“And then I arrested you,” Kirk continues nostalgically, seemingly unaware of the furtive sidling going on around him. “and lost a fuckton of money to Sulu about the existence of you guys. Actual space pirates! Who knew? So hey, nice to see you again! Let me buy you a drink.”

The pirate stares at him in terror, swears heartily, and hightails it.

Kirk pouts.


	2. In the Nick of Time and the Remnants of His Pants

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Captain's tastes were simple, but his methods were complex.  
> We found him with five partners, each of a different world and sex.  
> The Shore Police were on the way-we had no second chance.  
> We beamed him up in the nick of time-and the remnants of his pants.
> 
> [[Full lyrics]](http://www.ovff.org/pegasus/songs/banned-from-argo.html)

“C'mon Enterprise, one to beam up! Anyone read me? Come in, Enterprise! Fucking--” 

The communicator is still only producing static, despite three different frequency modulations and a hard system reset (aka turning it off and on again). Somehow the shore police have gotten the idea that Jim is some kind of public nuisance and needs to spend a night in a holding cell. Jim thinks he's spent plenty of nights in various holding cells in his brief existence, and isn't looking to add another tally to that list. Besides, the nice little orgy he worked so hard to put together is shaping up to actually work out, and he'd rather not miss out on the fun. 

At least, that was the idea half an hour ago, before the sirens started sounding so close and all of his invitees made a break for it. Now Jim's left with an empty hotel room, a couple almost-empty bottles of booze, and six grams of not-quite-legal-but-highly-enjoyable fungus, which, when ground up and smoked, produces euphoric and aphrodisiac effects. Jim can't quite pronounce the name of it, but either way his situation doesn't look good. Oh, and he has no pants (a casualty of the fun earlier). And he suspects there may be a minor localized communications blackout in the vicinity of this room, courtesy of the Argo police force, because there are cops coming up the stairwell and he can't fucking get hold of his ship.

Okay, priority one: find some goddamn reception for the communicator. Maybe if he can get to the roof? The balcony seems like a good bet, considering – yeah, they've started banging on the door.

“Open up! We know you're in there!”

“Like hell,” he mutters. Balcony it is.

A short scramble later in which Jim flashes the entire city and possibly the entire planet, he's on the roof. The wind is perhaps brisker than he'd like considering the lack of trousers, but he's not planning to stay long.

“Kirk to Enterprise! Can you read me!”

“--reading you, Captain.” The signal is crackly but it's the best thing he's heard all night.

“One to beam up-” He spins around as a door behind him slams open and what looks like the entirety of Argo's finest come pouring towards him. “Now!”

The familiar sick feeling of disintegration is nothing but sweet relief, and that look on the lead officer's face as Jim beamed away? Not even Bones' inevitable mockery can bring him down after this because he's going to cherish that image _forever_.


	3. Sobered Up in Sickbay and He's None the Worse for Wear

"Computer, run a diagnostic, display list of non-functioning replicator units aboard."

"Motherfucker," the computer responds happily.

Kirk looks delighted. Spock stares at the console, looking amazingly alarmed for a Vulcan. Uhura looks two seconds away from kicking someone's ass.


	4. Outdrank Seven Space Marines and a Demolition Crew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Our Engineer would yield to none at putting down the brew;  
> He out-drank seven space marines and a demolition crew.  
> The Navigator didn't win, but he out-drank almost all,  
> And now they've got a shuttlecraft on the roof of City Hall."
> 
> [[Full lyrics]](http://www.ovff.org/pegasus/songs/banned-from-argo.html)

The marines are slumped over various tables and most of the demolition crew are on the floor, all having lost the battle with unconsciousness. Scotty thinks the lad, despite his earlier assertions that drinking was a Russian invention, is probably another shot or two from joining them. Himself, well, he can keep drinking forever, everyone knows that. Keenser knows that. Where the bloody hell is Keenser? “Keenser!” He bellows.

Next to him, Chekov glares balefully and a little woozily from under his curls. “You are being wery loud. And that is not my name.”

“Aye, I know that, don't be ridiculous. But my point is,” Scotty replies haughtily, “my point is, that wee bugger ditched us!” He looks at Chekov for the indignation that deserves, but the kid isn't even paying attention, staring into the near distance with a glassy look to his eyes.

“Lad? You still with me?”

With effort, Chekov focuses on him. “I was thinking. The large gowernment building ower…earlier,” he flails an arm in a direction that can be interpreted as anywhere on the left half of the planet, mutters in Russian for a few moments, then manages, “City Hall, yes?”

“Aye…?” Scotty draws out.

“I was thinking. It would look wery nice with something on top,” he says earnestly (in that way Scotty is coming to realize is more evil than innocent).

A pause, then Scotty laughs and claps the kid on the back. “I like the way you think! Now, I saw a shuttle outside earlier. If you're not too drunk—”

“I am not drunk! I can hold my liquor, I am Russian!” Chekov declares indignantly.

“Alright lad, take it easy. Now, here's what I'm thinking…”

 

_Later:_

On the roof, Scotty and Chekov high-five (they miss the first three tries). Pulling out Scotty's flask, they toast their success (Chekov whoops into the night, overbalances, and crumples into a heap, snoring). Scotty shrugs, takes another swig, and pulls out his comm (two to beam up).


	5. The Plants All Love Him Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Our Helmsman loves exotic plants; the plants all love him too.  
> He took some down on leave with him and we wondered what they'd do,  
> 'Til the planetary governor called and swore upon his life  
> That a gang of plants entwined his house and then seduced his wife!"
> 
> [[Full lyrics]](http://www.ovff.org/pegasus/songs/banned-from-argo.html)

It was just like a bad film, something out of those 20th century b-movie monster flicks he and Scotty watched together on a monthly basis. It hadn't been more than an hour, but the stately mansion of the Planetary Governor was no longer visible under the writhing mass of vines. Hikaru had no idea why his runaway plant picked the governor's mansion to engulf, but it wasn't like he'd expected it to escape in the first place, slithering off the bar and out of sight while he'd been doing shots with Ensign Chandras. Under his initial shock and panic, Hikaru couldn't help but admire the plants' handiwork. He'd been studying these vines in his free time for almost a month now, but this was a hell of a new trick.

_Awesome._

He was startled out of staring by a shriek from inside. He loved his horticultural babies dearly, but the potential damage semi-sentient creeper vines could do to a human body was sobering. Well, not sobering enough. _I am way too drunk for this shit._ Hikaru started jogging toward the mansion, cautiously, wondering how the hell to stop a rampaging plant.

He could always just pull out his katana (always an essential when beaming down, even on shore leave), start hacking away at the tendrils and see how far he got, but he had a suspicion that would be futile. The vines could easily take him out while continuing their assault on the mansion, and truthfully, he didn't really want to hurt them. Ignoring how fucked up the situation was, he'd raised this plant from a seedling and watching its progress was possibly the coolest thing Hikaru had ever seen.

For lack of any other idea, he stuck two fingers in his mouth and whistled. Miraculously, the vines' writhing slowed, stopped, and started moving in reverse, the exterior of the house gradually showing again through the gaps.

With a scraping sound, one of the upstairs windows worked its way open, and a head popped out — Hikaru recognized her from the planet briefing as the governor's young trophy wife. In the landscaping lights, her hair was mussed, nightdress pulled off one shoulder, and by now he was close enough to see red abrasions coiling up her arms.

 _Oh shit oh shit they attacked her_ , he realized. _I am so arrested._

“Ma'am?” He called up. “I am so sorry. I'll have these cleaned out of here right away--”

“Actually,” she interrupted breathlessly, “could you send them back up here?”

“Uh… sure.”

He walked over and patted the closest tangle of vines. “Never mind, go ahead.”

A tendril curled around his arm fondly before joining its fellows in climbing back up the house.

 _And we are not going to think about that too closely,_ he decided as he walked briskly back towards the bar, trying to ignore the noises drifting down from the still-open window.


	6. Intact Except for Hickeys and Six Kinds of VD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Our Doctor loves Humanity; his private life is quiet.  
> The Shore Police arrested him for inciting whores to riot.  
> We found him in the city jail, locked on and beamed him free-  
> Intact except for hickeys and six kinds of VD."
> 
> [[Full lyrics]](http://www.ovff.org/pegasus/songs/banned-from-argo.html)

“Bones! Bones! Oh my god, Bones!”

Kirk bursts into sickbay looking a little like he just got a puppy for his birthday.

Bones is, as usual, not amused.

“Jim, if this isn't important, I'll knock you out. Again. With the same sedative as last time – the one you're allergic to, remember? – and give the captaincy to Spock.”

“First of all, no you wouldn't, you love me. Also, didn't you take some kind of oath to preserve life or something? And Spock's too busy being mortified over his night of semi-consensual hookups and the ship-wide discovery that his vocabulary for profanity is much larger than anyone gave him credit for. Speaking of which, is it really true what Scotty was saying about your night of shore leave? About you and the space hookers?”

“I swear to god, you have thirty seconds before I call Nurse Ronsen over with the hypo.”

“So it _is_ true! Bones, you Lothario! I'm impressed. I never thought anyone would beat my record from that time with that thing we don't talk about. Let alone you! How many antibiotics are you on right now?”

“Three,” Nurse Ronsen chimes in, coming up behind Bones with a hypo. “And Lothario? Really?”

Kirk's face went from gleeful delight the unexpected alliance to an affronted pout.

“You can't mock me, I'm your captain,” he tells her, over Bones' shoulder.

She shrugs and smiles, handing the hypo to Bones. “This is the one he ordered for you, by the way.”

Still pouting, Kirk takes the hint and flees sickbay. As he reaches the doors, though, he hears Nurse Ronsen call after him.

“Oh, Captain? Apparently, as of last night, the sex workers of Argo have now organized and are rioting for equal rights and proper compensation!”

He ducks out the doors as behind him, Bones yells, “Dammit, woman!”

He manages to make it all the way to the turbolift before losing the battle to hold in his laughter.


	7. The Flesh is There, But the Clothes They Wear are Nowhere to be Seen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Our lady of Communications won a ship-wide bet  
> By getting into the planet's main communications net.  
> Now every time someone calls up on an Argo telescreen,  
> The flesh is there, but the clothes they wear are nowhere to be seen."
> 
> [[Full lyrics]](http://www.ovff.org/pegasus/songs/banned-from-argo.html)   
> 

Nyota is maybe a little drunk. Nyota is maybe a little drunk, because otherwise she most likely would not be here, under the comm console with her boots sticking out, reminding her uncomfortably of her first proper boyfriend, the one who'd cheated on her, and the way he'd always be under some vehicle or other whenever she'd stop by to visit him, sliding out and wiping the grease off his hands onto the rag tucked into his belt.

Maybe she should not be thinking about exes, or going down that path, because that would lead her back here again, angry and bitter under the comm console with her boots sticking out, hoping someone (mainly Kirk) doesn't wander in and look up her skirt and get ideas.

Maybe she should not be thinking about her exes or her captain, because those two areas of her life are currently dovetailing in a way she doesn't think about if she can help it, even if Gaila and Sulu think it's hot and Chapel is painfully oblivious and can't fucking take a hint. Nyota has nothing against them, is glad they're happy – the breakup was amicable – but when she's drunk she tends to forget that, and maybe get a little vicious. Or vindictive. One of those v-words.

The point is, Nyota is not just the good little comm officer everyone thinks she is. Yes, she dated Spock. Yes, Spock is the most anal retentive rules-loving bastard she's ever had the misfortune of sleeping with, bless his heart, but this does not mean Nyota is the same.

Her life needs rules like Standard needs adjectives, she thinks. They're there for a reason, but they're not _necessary_. She bullied Spock into getting her onto the Enterprise, didn't she? And as a result, she did not end up as one of the floating zero-G corpses orbiting Vulcan with the scrap metal that used to be the other quarter of the fleet. That's something else she doesn't like thinking about, drunk or sober, because she had many friends that died that day, and honestly, the reason she lived was that she's ambitious and her then-boyfriend was pussy-whipped. A little submissive. Likes bossy women. Whatever.

Point is, Nyota is not Spock, and not Vulcan, and while she is smart (extremely fucking intelligent, thank you very much), she is not (always) a teacher's pet, and just because she didn't spend her childhood crashing cars and getting into bar fights or rebelling against the system (okay, well, maybe she did, but maybe she was classier about it, using her brains and her tenacity and her grades instead of her fists, Kirk), all that doesn't mean she can't take measures when she gets pissed off (her first proper boyfriend, the one who'd cheated, took weeks to recover psychologically), or play an idiotic joke when she feels like it, or step forward and claim that fucking wager money even though no one thinks she will (it's depressing how little anyone here knows about her, _really_ knows), because she isn't just a good little girl.

In fact, that's the _last_ thing she is, Nyota thinks, sticking her feet a little farther out from under the console.

* * *

It's three-quarters of the way into Alpha shift before she can determine how well her virus worked. Argo's planetary governor calls to complain about Sulu's plants being better than him at sex – not that he hints as much, but an angry aging bureaucrat, a smug young trophy wife, and a house ensnared in kinky vines tells its own story – and the rest of the bridge crew is stuck gaping at the expanses of flesh the governor thought he was hiding so well under the usual dignified robes.

By the start of Beta shift, the ship is abuzz with rumors that the planet's entire communications infrastructure has been compromised. The captain is deep in talks with the High Council, promising to put his best people on it, and through her hungover headache, Nyota is already planning her best stymied reaction.

(“No, Captain, I've never seen anything like this before. I can try to reverse it, but I'm not sure I'll have much luck. I'm sorry Captain, but the poor citizens of Argo may have to live like this for some time.”)

She grins to herself.

 

[And maybe it's the headache affecting her ability to sound sincere, or maybe it's the fact that Kirk is much smarter than he lets on, or maybe she wasn't as careful with the security footage as she thought, but somehow she's busted. But for some reason, Kirk doesn't chew her out, just buys her a drink and doesn't try to get into her pants (for once), and maybe he's growing up or maybe (oddly) she is, but it's at that point that Nyota gives them her blessing and lets it go.]

[And the next prank she pulls, he runs interference (fuck professionalism).]

**Author's Note:**

> Don't worry - contrary to appearances, this is still going!  
> [I will not abandon it until I get through the verses in some way or other]


End file.
